


Pirates, Sharks, Mutants, Vampires and--Babysitting

by indevan



Series: Saiyan Babies [1]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Children, Babysitting, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 08:09:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11009415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indevan/pseuds/indevan
Summary: By then, though, it was too late and he found himself playing nanny to the six worst kids on the planet.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> these are two fics i wrote 6 years ago (yikes!) that i decided to edit and post here because i'm blocked on literally everything else i attempt to write. HEYO!

When Nappa’s boss came to him that morning and asked him if he wouldn’t mind foregoing the company dinner in exchange for a task that would actually pay, he thought it was the best thing he had heard.  He hated company parties with the forced mingling and lack of good booze and had felt honored.  His boss owned most of the town, if not nearly all of it.  To be asked a favor by him directly was like getting a request from a king.  And it paid, too, which didn’t hurt.  He gladly agreed to the favor without even hearing it.  The moment he did, however, Nappa wished he could recant. 

His boss had suckered him into watching his kids since he had just fired their latest nanny.  Apparently, the older kid had been on a Mary Poppins kick and demanded his father hire a British nanny.  He then forced him to  _ fire _ her when he found out she couldn’t fly.  Based on that alone, Nappa was sure he was in for a fun night with these kids.  Then again, he knew the kids.  He had been working for the man since before either of them were born and had sat in with them on brief occasions when he had been invited to his boss’s house.  They were good kids, mostly.  The little one was a bit spacey and the bigger one managed to have superiority complex before he was out of diapers but they were good kids. 

That wasn’t the biggest problem.  It was that, after others had overheard Nappa agreeing to his boss’s request (which was accompanied by a statement of “I love kids! The more the merrier!”) several others in the office had overheard and requested his services for watching  _ their _ kids while they were at the party.  Before Nappa could realize what was happening, he was somehow saddled with three more kids to babysit.  On the upside, their parents were paying him.  On the downside…well, he was babysitting three more kids. 

By the time his doorbell rang, Nappa had finished child-proofing the house.  He wasn’t exactly sure what that entailed but he put anything breakable up high and anything that children could potentially kill themselves with along with it.  He was pretty proud of himself and opened the door with a wide smile on his face.  It faltered a bit when he saw who it was on the other side. 

Surprisingly, it was not his boss who showed up first but one of the low-level employees at his job.  Bardock strode into his house without waiting for permission.  A kid who was around four or so he guessed was slumped over one shoulder, yammering away incessantly and an older kid trailed behind them both.  He tried to remember what Bardock had told him when he took the opportunity to unload his trailer trash spawn on him.  Their names and ages, for one.  He remembered the little one was indeed four and named…K-something.  The other kid was six and was named…

“Raditz." Bardock whipped his head to the side. "Take your brother."

He lowered the yammering four-year-old down to the ground and Raditz dutifully took his hand. 

“Wrote a song about ‘tato chips!” the kid said happily. "It goes—it goes ‘I love ‘tato chips ‘cause they’re good and—”

He was silenced by Raditz clamping a hand over his mouth. 

“Kakarrot, shh,” he said, obviously trying to look and sound responsible. 

Nappa tried to think of something to say but another figure entering the door made the words die in his throat.  Another kid had entered, hands in his pockets.  He had a strange sort of look on his face and stood a little taller than Raditz. 

“Who’s this?” he finally managed. 

Bardock turned and raised his eyebrows at the newest addition. "Oh, that’s Raditz’s friend, Turles.  He followed us here.  You don’t mind watching him, too, do you?”

“Uh—”

“Great."

His expression grew grave for a minute and he turned to the kids. 

“Hey, guys, why don’t you go sit on the couch and find something on TV?”

Obediently, the trio scurried off—with Raditz’s hand still clamped over the little one’s mouth—and Bardock turned to face him, eyes set in a glare. 

“Look, I appreciate this and all but let’s get some things straight." He drew himself towards Nappa and, despite being shorter, made him feel very, very small. 

“If I come back and one of them is gone—I will fucking kill you."

Nappa suddenly found himself standing at attention as though he were reporting for boot camp.  Bardock jabbed a finger into his chest. 

“If I come back and one of them is any color that they aren’t supposed to be—I will fucking kill you."

To punctuate that statement, Bardock retracted his hand and cracked his knuckles. 

“If I come back and there is a single scratch on either of my boys—”

“You’ll fucking kill me.  I got it."

Bardock glanced over at the kids trying to figure out how to get the TV on before looking back at him and drawing in even closer. 

“With a rusty shiv and your own dick,” he hissed. 

Nappa never actually thought people gulped but he gulped at the threat that carried over in Bardock’s words.  The younger man turned from him and towards where his kids (and Turles) sat. 

“Okay, boys.  I’m going to the dinner.  Come say good-bye to daddy."

Raditz and the little one—Kakarrot, Nappa thought he said—hopped off of the couch and hugged him tightly. 

“Be back soon, daddy!” Kakarrot chirped. 

“Don’t leave us with this loser bald guy!” Raditz whined. 

Bardock smirked and disengaged his sons’ skinny arms from around his legs and turned back to Nappa. 

“Thanks again for babysitting." His eyes, however, still held venom and murder. 

Nappa forced a smile on his face. "No problem.  Have fun at the dinner."

With that, Bardock left.  It felt as if no sooner had Nappa shut the door did the doorbell ring once again.  He opened this time to reveal his boss.  He clasped the hand to his older son, Vegeta, in his own and carried the younger one, Tarble, under one arm as though he were a football. 

“Uh, hey sir."

“Hello, Nappa." Like Bardock, he didn’t wait for permission to step into the house. 

“This place is small,” Vegeta complained from his place at his father’s side. "And smells like dust.”

He lifted his pointed nose up into the air and managed to look far huffier than a five-year-old had any right to be.  Tarble, meanwhile, wriggled in his father’s hold, giggling and smiling.  His boss immediately handed the toddler off to Nappa and Tarble reacted by entwining his arms around his neck and burying his face in his shoulder. 

“It’s best if I make this quick,” his boss continued. "Tarble doesn’t like it when I leave him be.  Even the nannies complain.”

He gave a curt nod to his sons and was out the door before the three-year-old even noticed he left. 

“Hey." Vegeta tugged on his arm. "Why is your house so small? Are you poor?”

“Uh…why don’t you go watch TV with Bardock’s kids?”

“I see you’re avoiding my question.  You must be poor."

Amazingly enough, though, the kid listened and walked over to the couch.  He stood before them and put his hands on his hips. 

“Move,” he commanded. 

Turles and Raditz blinked at him half in confusion and half in bemusement. 

“ _ Move _ ,” Vegeta repeated. "I don’t wanna say it a third time."

Kakarrot shifted to the side and patted the cushion next to him. 

“Y’can sit next to me!” he said brightly. “There’s room!”

Vegeta huffed again but crawled up on the couch anyway.  He snatched the remote from Raditz’s hands and easily turned on the television set.  Nappa shifted Tarble in his arms and did a headcount.  Okay, even with the addition of Turles, it was still only five kids.  Maybe the dad of the last kid would just give up.  That would be nice. 

As if attuned with fucking him over, the doorbell rang. 

“Fuck,” Nappa mumbled under his breath and instantly regretted it. 

Turles snapped his head up and grinned broadly. "Fuck?”

“Uh…” Nappa shifted his gaze from side to side as he walked towards the door. "Don’t say that, kid."

He made it to the door and answered it.  Paragas—a co-worker he wasn’t really familiar with—stood on the other side, holding a sad-looking kid by one arm. 

“Here,” he growled, thrusting the kid forward.  Paragas knelt down so he was eye level with him. "Broly, be good.  For the love of God, be good."

He lifted his head and gave Napa a nod and a mumble of “Thanks,” before taking off.  Nappa glanced down at the kid.  He had a sort of concerned look on his face and was staring at his sneakers.  He wondered what about him got Paragas’s underpants in a wad. 

“Uh…hey, Broly,” he said. "How old are you?”

The kid looked up and blinked at him before lifting a hand and holding up four fingers.  Okay, that made him and Bardock’s little one both at four.   He knew Vegeta was five and Tarble was almost three.   Raditz was six. 

“Hey, you—Turles."

“Fuck!” the kid responded back sunnily. 

He was going to have to do something about that later.  Nappa shook his head. 

“How old are you?”

“Fucking seven,” he replied. 

That made him the oldest.  Then Raditz.  Then Vegeta.  Then Kakarrot and Broly.  And then Tarble.  That wasn’t too bad, he figured.  With the exception of Tarble, he was sure most of these kids could be pretty self-sufficient.  And they mostly seemed content at watching TV.  Tonight wasn’t going to be too bad. 

\--

While most of the kids were indeed content to sit on the couch watching television, Nappa was having a bit of a problem with some of them.  Tarble hadn’t budged from his position of being entwined around his torso.  Luckily the kid wasn’t very big so it was more of a nuisance than anything else.  Turles also was skipping around the couch, happily chanting, “Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck!” over and over again. 

“You’re gonna be in so much trouble!” Raditz proclaimed.  He was leaning against the back of the couch, reaching forward to try and grab at Turles’s hair as he passed. 

Briefly, Nappa wondered with whom Turles was going to be in trouble since no one mentioned that he had any parents. 

“I want dinner!” Vegeta suddenly proclaimed, sitting up straight. 

“Yeah, dinner!” Kakarrot chimed in.  Nappa noticed that he seemed oddly taken with his boss’s oldest during the brief time they had been in his house. 

Raditz glanced up and nodded. "In my house, we eat dinner when the little hand is on the six and the big hand is on the twelve.  Like now."

He pointed at the clock on the wall to illustrate his point.  Nappa looked at the gathered boys and sighed. 

“Okay, what do you kids want?”

Turles stopped in the middle of one of his rotations and turned to him. 

“Fuckin’ candy!”

At least he could argue that Turles already knew that word since he clearly knew how to use it.  He looked at the others. 

“What do you usually eat at your houses?”

“Well, the cook makes us—”

Napa shook his head. "Gonna stop you right there, Vegeta.  Pretty sure whatever you have at your house, I  _ don’t _ have at my house." 

“Don’t interrupt me!” Vegeta slammed his tiny fist down on the couch where it bounced off and landed on his thigh. 

“I like everythin’!” Kakarrot chimed in as if that were at all helpful. 

“How about pasta?” Nappa asked. "Do you guys want some pasta?”

All of them seemed to agree on that and the herd of children followed him to the kitchen.  Turles skipped ahead, flinging his arms about and still singing his expletive-filled song. 

The first thing Nappa realized as he tried to fill a pot with water and get the pasta out was how hard these actions were with only one of his arms.  Tarble was still curled around his neck and making no move to let go.  Finally, having enough, he thrust the toddler into Raditz’s arms. 

“Hold ‘im,” he commanded. 

The six-year-old held his arms out and wrinkled his nose. "Don’t wanna."

“Don’t care.  Hold ‘im."

Now with full use of his arms, Nappa was able to set the burners and fill the pot with boiling water.  He grabbed a can of sauce and plopped it on the counter before busying himself with getting out silverware. 

“You guys care where you sit?” he asked rhetorically. 

Broly nodded seriously around the four fingers crammed into his mouth.  Nappa sighed.  Of course he did.  No matter.  He’d figure that out later. 

He set out the plates and forks and grabbed some pillows for the smaller kids to sit on, having no highchair in the house. 

“How come your plate’s bigger than ours?” Raditz asked, moving Tarble to his other arm and shaking out the one that had held him before. 

“Because I’m a grown-up."

Broly blinked at him with big eyes before pulling his hand out of his mouth and lifting his index fingers up on either side of his head. 

“And I’m the devil,” he said in a squeaky voice. 

The other kids kind of looked at him.  Even Tarble lifted his head from where it was buried in Raditz’s surprisingly voluminous hair (for a six-year-old anyway) and stared at the formerly silent kid. 

“Oh…kay then,” Nappa shook his head. "You guys, uh, find places to sit.  I’ll finish the pasta."

“It better be fuckin’ delicious,” Turles said with a sage nod of his head. 

\--

Dinner had been going so well, too.  The boys all seemed to know what utensils were and were able to feed themselves, which was good.  Tarble even managed to give up his remora routine and sat on his own, eating delicately with a lobster fork Nappa had figured would work with his little hands.  And then it happened. 

Kakarrot had decided that his fork was not getting pasta to his mouth quickly enough.  He grabbed handfuls of pasta and shoved it into his mouth, swallowing without chewing.  Raditz tugged on his little brother’s arm, trying to get him to stop. 

“You’re gonna get in truh-ble with dad when he finds ow-out,” he whined. "Stuh-op it!”

“This is disgusting!” Vegeta banged his fork down in his plate, splattering sauce onto the table. "Stop it right now!”

A stray bit of pasta hit Broly in the face and he started to cry in loud wails as if someone had hit him. 

“This fuckin’ sucks!” Turles cried. "Stop it, ya fuckin’ babies!”

Tarble let out an anguished cry and put his hands over his ears to block out the yelling.  Nappa, meanwhile, sat in his chair with a forkful of pasta raised to his mouth, wondering how everything had gone to hell so quickly.  He only snapped back to attention when he realized Kakarrot was turning blue. 

“Stuh-op it!” Raditz continued, smacking his little brother on the back. "I’m gonna tell!”

Nappa shoved his chair back, remembering Bardock’s threat, and grabbed the kid.  He wasn’t sure if he should give a four-year-old the Heimlich but it was the first thing he thought of.  When Kakarrot made a little squeak of pain, he realized that was a bad idea and turned him over.  Nappa smacked his back vigorously and frantically, imagining the things the kid’s father would do to him with a rusty shiv and his own penis. 

Finally, Kakarrot made a sort of squawking sound and a wad of pasta flew out of his mouth and landed wetly on the floor.  Nappa exhaled a sigh of relief.  Well, that was one crisis averted.  Broly was still wailing and Turles was still swearing like a sailor.  But, on the plus side, Bardock wasn’t going to kill him for letting his four-year-old choke on some pasta.  Silver linings and all that. 

“Gonna tell dad,” Raditz said warningly, narrowing his eyes. "He  _ tol’ _ you not ‘t eat like that, Kakarrot! He  _ tol’ _ you you’d choke and stuff!”

His little brother fielded that with a wide, careless grin.  Nappa snorted.  Yeah, he could grin like that  _ now _ .  Finally, Broly’s wails subsided into minor sniffles until he again fell silent, choosing to suck on his fingers again.  And everyone sat down and finished their dinner. 

\--

By eight o’clock, Nappa was officially finished with these kids.  He had no idea where Turles and Raditz were.  They had disappeared somewhere upstairs and he was too tired to chase after him.  Besides, they were the two oldest.  Nappa figured that they couldn’t get themselves hurt  _ that _ badly.  Every once in awhile, he heard a cry of “Fuck!” in the distance that at least let him know that they were still in the house.

Tarble was thankfully asleep, curled up on the couch and sucking his thumb.  Nappa decided that he was his favorite. 

“Get offa me!” Vegeta cried angrily, stomping by. 

Kakarrot was clinging to him like a spider monkey, jabbering happily about how they were best friends. 

“Gonna play together and-and eat snacks together and-and—”

“Stop touching me!”

Broly seemed to react negatively whenever Kakarrot spoke since the splatter incident in the kitchen.  Currently, he was curled behind the couch with his hands over his ears, menacingly growling the other boy’s name any time he said anything.  Nappa had to admit that it was rather chilling and was starting to see why Paragas was so wound up about him. 

There was a loud thumping noise that drew his attention to the top of the stairs.  Raditz was dangling his legs through the posts and waving.  Turles was behind him, grinning broadly. 

“We wanna play with you!” Raditz called. 

For some reason, those five words chilled him to the bone. 

\--

Nappa was face down on the ground, having left his dignity behind several games ago. 

“I got ‘im!” Turles called, leaping off of the couch and landing on his back. "Quick, Raditz, get the handcuffs! We gotta make him walk the plank!”

Nappa wasn’t sure what handcuffs had to do with whatever pirate game the kids were playing but he had given up trying to figure out any sort of rhyme or reason to this game.  What he gathered was that Raditz wanted to play cops and Turles wanted to play pirates and so they were playing both. 

“I don’t even know what’s going on anymore,” he grumbled into the carpet. 

“Can’t talk!” Raditz whined. "I gagged you wif’ my pirate banana!”

“ _ Bandana _ ,” Turles corrected. 

“That’s what I  _ said _ ."

As it appeared that this game was going to end with them fighting, Nappa tried to wriggle his way out from under Turles’s body but the boy seemed to catch on. 

“He’s tryin’ to escape!” he exclaimed. "Gotta hit his pressure points!”

With that, he began pummeling Nappa’s back with little fists. 

“Gonna make you go unconscious!”

“Ow! Stop it—that actually hurts!”

“Bandana!” Raditz whined. 

He managed to get up, pushing Turles off of him only to have Raditz launch himself at him from where he had been standing on the couch. 

“GONNA EAT YOUR BRAINS!” he screamed. 

Nappa dropped the six-year-old back onto the couch. 

“We’re playing something else now!” he barked. "Something  _ everyone _ can play."

\--

“Stranded in the mountains,” Broly recounted in a grave voice. "Food got gone forever ago.  Winter comed forever ago, too.  We’re gonna hafta find a way out soon or else start eatin’ each other."

Nappa blinked at him. "Are you…narrating?”

Broly turned to him with that same flat, concerned look on his face. 

“Death comes for everyone, Nappa."

“Is this even a game? We sit behind the couch while you describe things in creepy detail?” he demanded. "Where are the other kids?”

He paused and heard giggling from somewhere across his living room. 

“Is that laughter?”

Broly shook his head. "Nappa’s talkin’ to hisself and imaginin’ things.  Might gotta mercy kill ‘im.  He’d feed all o’ us for months at least."

Suddenly Kakarrot’s face appeared from over top the couch. "HI!”

At the sound of his voice, Broly clenched his little fists and started shaking a little. 

“Kakarrot…” he grumbled in a warning tone. 

“I’m not Kakarrot, silly!” he said in a sunshine voice. "Raditz said I’m a evil mootant that’s gonna eat you guys.  That’s what he said."

Nappa shook his head. "What?”

Out of nowhere, Turles and Raditz leapt at Nappa and tackled him to the carpet.  Broly let out a shriek and darted away from the couch. 

“Rar, rar!” Turles crowed. "Take this!”

“GONNA EAT YOUR BRAINS!” Raditz yelled, burying his face behind Nappa’s left ear. 

Broly was writhing on the floor, thrusting his hands in the air and Nappa was beginning to like him when he was silent and sucking on his fingers more. 

“I am the last survivor!” he whined. "The last! Why God gotta punish us? Why?!”

“Because you’re all yelling while I’m trying to read Tarble a bedtime story!” Vegeta yelled from somewhere in the kitchen. 

Nappa managed to force Turles and Raditz off of him and went into the kitchen to see that the five-year-old had set up the cushions he had been using for booster seats on the floor where Tarble was nestled.  He had an open cookbook in his crossed legs and was reading a story that was clearly from his mind and not from the recipe for snickerdoodles (the cookbook had been a gift) that the book was open to. 

“And then the prince killed everyone and ruled the world,” he finished. "The end.  Now go to sleep, Tarble."

Tarble was already fast asleep, curled up on a cushion with his thumb still corked in his mouth.  Kakarrot ran in and leapt onto Vegeta’s shoulders. 

“Best friend-god come play with us!”

“ _ Stop touching me! _ ”

\--

“And then my friend shoots through you like  _ pyew _ and I die too!” Kakarrot demonstrated this by collapsing on the floor.  He hopped back up. "But I was real god so I keeps my body and getsta train to be better and come back and see my friends again.  And also I get to ride a cloud but then I learn to fly and that’s good.  And I fight an angry guy and Vegeta becomes my bestest friend.  And-and then we all live together and I get to eat lotsa cake.  And also squish a giant bug.  And then I die again because the bug squished me, too."

He walked over to the side of the room and flopped down again.  He hopped back up and started running over to the couch and stood up on the cushions. 

“And then I come back again to say hi to my friends and fight a monster made of sugar and gum and then he becomes our friend and I get to lives again with my friends.  And my stinky mean brother who yells and tattles  _ never comes back _ ."

Raditz reached up and pulled him down from sitting on the couch. 

“That’s a stupid game,” he stated matter-of-factly. 

“Fuckin’ stupid,” Turles agreed. "It don’t even make no sense."

“I’m  _ not your bestest friend! _ ” Vegeta exclaimed angrily, stamping his foot. 

“Kakarrot…” Broly growled from his spot under the blanket. 

Nappa sighed.  He gave up trying to do anything with these kids an hour ago.  Apparently none of them except for Tarble were actually going to go to sleep. 

“But you said it’s my turn to make up a game and this is the game!”

“This game don’t even make no sense!” Raditz whined, echoing Turles’s earlier complaint. "An’ I die and don’t even get t’ eat Nappa’s brains as a zombie!”

“Well maybe you do because Vegeta kills him when he becomes my bestest friend."

That got his attention. "What? Why?”

“I think I’m liking this game more,” Vegeta said with an insidious grin. 

“And I’m not even in it!” Turles added. "We’re playin’ a different game."

“Kakarrot…”

“See.  Broly agrees with us."

“But…but…this is  _ my _ game!”

Nappa let out an aggravated sigh. 

“How about you guys just watch some TV?”

They all stopped and stared at him and, astonishingly, all five of them assembled on the couch dutifully.  Vegeta grabbed the remote and turned it on. 

“He’s just mad ‘cos you kill him,” Kakarrot whispered. 

It didn’t occur to Nappa until the boys were channel-surfing that there probably wasn’t anything really age-appropriate for them on at ten o’clock on a Friday night.  In fact, he was certain most programming would either scare them or make them ask awkward questions.  This realization, though, came too late. 

“Is this one of the special channels?” Raditz asked. "Our daddy has special channels he watches when he thinks we’re in bed.  I think they’re scary ‘cos there’s lotsa yellin’ and moanin’ like people is bein’ killed."

Nappa looked over in time to see a flash of blood on the screen and grabbed the remote from Vegeta’s hands and quickly turned the television off. 

“Okay, no TV for you guys."

“I saw a vampire!” Kakarrot exclaimed happily. "He was like ‘blar!’”

“They talked like thee-is,” Turles said, adopting a thick southern accent. 

Nappa stared at them. "How much did you guys watch before I turned the TV off?”

The five of them looked at each other before Broly squeaked, “Sookeh."

“I wanna play vampires now!” Raditz exclaimed. 

“Me too!” Kakarrot exclaimed. 

“Fuck yes!” He was going to have to do something about Turles’s swearing before the night was done.

Vegeta folded his arms over his chest. "I’ll play only if I get to be the prince of vampires."

“Vampires don’t got princes,” Turles argued. 

“Do so.  And even if they don’t, I’m makin’ it that way."

Nappa sighed wearily, done with them by this point.  He would happily send them all out into the night to whatever they wanted.  Except for Tarble.  Tarble could stay.  Even so, he had to make  _ some _ kind of effort.

“How about you guys go get some sleep before your dads get here, huh?”

Turles rolled his eyes. 

“Shows what you know.  Vampires sleep in the  _ day _ .  Not the  _ night _ ."

“But you guys aren’t vampires.  You’re little boys who are up way later than they should be."

“Sookeh!” Broly repeated. 

Nappa gave up and let them run around the living room, pretending to prey on one another and turn them into vampires.  It was at least somewhat organized in a game of tag, he noticed, and maybe they would tire themselves out pretending to be creatures of the night.  He could only hope. 

\--

When the doorbell finally rang, Nappa could have wept.  As luck would have it, it was even Bardock standing on the other side of the door. 

“Here." Nappa thrust Kakarrot into his arms. 

“I’m a vampire!” he exclaimed happily, latching onto his dad’s shoulders. 

“Of course you are."

Raditz and Turles came next, holding hands and skipping towards Bardock. 

“Fuck!” Turles exclaimed as he stubbed his toe on the threshold. 

Nappa glanced down at him and then back at his co-worker. 

“He’s not yours! You can’t punish me for the deeds of a kid that isn’t yours!” he said frantically. 

“Whatever." Bardock thrust a fifty dollar bill in his hand and carried the kids towards his car. 

He sagged with visible relief once the car pulled away.  The worst of the kids were gone—gone! His boss came next and took the slumbering Tarble away. 

“Father, can I never have to spend time with that annoying Kakarrot brat again?” Vegeta asked as he walked out the door. "He thinks I’m his friend!”

To that, his father merely chuckled. "About time you got a friend."

Finally, Paragas showed up and reluctantly took Broly away.  Nappa seriously wasn’t sure why this guy seemed to fear his son so much.  Outside growling Kakarrot’s name and a strangely developed, macabre vocabulary, the kid was a peach to take care of.  Then again, he only watched him for four hours so what did he know?

With all of the kids gone, Nappa sat down on his couch and heaved a sigh of relief.  They were gone and he was one hundred and fifty dollars richer.  Life, he figured, was pretty sweet.  And maybe…just maybe those kids weren’t too bad.  Maybe…and this was a very big “maybe” but a maybe nonetheless—maybe next time there was an office party, he’d volunteer his services. 


	2. Part Two

Nappa didn’t find out until the day before the annual company picnic that he wasn’t going to be attending.  Honestly, he didn’t care.  Like the dinner a few weeks back, spending more time than necessary with his co-workers wasn’t very high on his “want” list.  His boss had merely come up to him the day before the picnic and informed him that he had a special assignment for him.  Again, he had readily accepted it without thinking about what it could be or what it entailed. 

When Bardock approached him, however, he realized it.  By then, though, it was too late and he found himself playing nanny to the six worst kids on the planet.  Again. 

This time around, his boss arrived first. 

“Here,” he said curtly, thrusting Tarble into Nappa’s arms.  He pulled the strap of a diaper bag off of his shoulder and handed that to him as well. 

Immediately, the toddler entwined his arms around Nappa’s neck and he knew that the kid was going to pull his remora routine again. 

“Why do we have to come here again?" Vegeta huffed, turning his face up to glare at his father.  “It smells like dust and there isn’t anything to do!"

Perhaps wisely, his complaint was ignored.  His boss just smiled at Nappa. 

“I’ll be back for them this evening,” he reported. 

“Wait, evening?"

Like Vegeta, Nappa’s remark of surprise was ignored.  Instead, he turned to the boys. 

“Good-bye,” he said in the same curt voice, as though speaking to clients or employees as opposed to his own sons. 

“ _ Dad _ !" Vegeta whined.  “Don’t ignore me!"

This time, his complaint was answered by the door to Nappa’s house closing.  Disgruntled, the five-year-old turned to glare at Nappa as though it was somehow his fault. 

“Daddy!" Tarble whined, wriggling in Nappa’s arms.  “Daddy!"

He started squirming, trying to get out of his hold and chase after his father at the door. 

“Daddy!"

“Shut up, Tarble!"

Nappa recalled, vividly, the day his boss brought in the video when this kid was born.  He had hired a professional cameraman, of course, since they were obscenely wealthy and had mercifully left out the actual birth in favor of showing the rest of the family meeting the baby.  If he remembered correctly, the crowning moment of that video was Vegeta screeching that they “put him back” and that he “was the baby." Then again, the last time he had babysat, the five-year-old had taken pretty alright care of his brother so maybe he no longer wished he didn’t exist. 

Tarble responded to his brother’s shout by pressing his face into the side of Nappa’s neck. 

“Here,” Nappa said gruffly.  “Take him."

He tried dislodging Tarble from his torso but found that, for a three-year-old, the kid had an incredibly tight grip. 

“Didn’t wanna anyway,” Vegeta replied, lifting his nose in the air. 

Before he could try and think up a reply to  _ that _ statement, the doorbell rang.  And rang again.  And again.  In fact, it didn’t  _ stop _ ringing until Nappa used his free hand to open the door.  He saw that Bardock had arrived.  Kakarrot was standing on his tiptoes, jamming one tiny finger into the doorbell. 

“I like the noise!" he said brightly. 

“Stop it!" Raditz said hitting his brother on the back.  “It’s annoyin’!"

Turles popped his head out from behind Raditz’s thick head of hair and nodded.  “Yeah!"

“Raditz, don’t hit your brother,” Bardock drawled.  “Kakarrot, stop pressing the doorbell."

“’Kay!"

The ringing thankfully stopped and the trio of boys entered the house pushing past Nappa to get into the living room.  He followed them before meeting Bardock in the eyes. 

“What’s  _ he _ doing here again?" he asked, jerking his head towards Turles. 

“He followed us again,” Bardock replied, cocking a brow.  “Problem?"

Nappa grimaced.  “No.  Not at all."

If one didn’t have a problem with weirdo seven-year-olds who were obsessed with pirates as well as the propensity to spout variations of the word “fuck,” then no one would have a problem with Turles. 

“Get off!"

Nappa turned to see that Kakarrot was already hugging Vegeta, spouting about how he missed playing with his “bestest friend."

“You know the deal, right?" Bardock’s voice brought his attention back to the doorway. 

“Yeah, yeah, if anything happens to any of them, you’ll fucking kill me,” he replied. 

“After torturing you in painful and creative ways,” the younger man finished with an icy glare.  He glanced over Nappa’s shoulder and, when he spoke again, his voice was louder.  “Boys, come say bye to daddy."

Kakarrot and Raditz dashed over and hugged their dad good-bye before Bardock, too, left. 

“Okay,” Nappa said.  “We just have to wait for Broly and then everyone is here."

To his surprise, Kakarrot pulled a face. 

“I don’t like Broly,” he said matter-of-factly.  “’Cause he don’t like me for no reason!"

“He’s weird,” Raditz agreed. 

He decided to try to be diplomatic.  “Broly isn’t weird."

“Is so!"

Nappa decided to give up on convincing them that Broly wasn’t weird (mostly because he actually agreed with them) and simply waited for him to show up.  As usual, his dad handed him off with a “For the love of God, be good” and left without properly saying good-bye.  And, as usual, Broly was sucking on his fingers and not speaking.  He bristled a little when he saw Kakarrot but didn’t say anything. 

“So…” Nappa tried.  “What do you kids want to do?"

“Outside!" Kakarrot shouted far louder than he should have. 

Broly pulled his fingers out of his mouth and then covered his ears with both hands. 

“Yeah, no.  It’s already too hot out.  Pick something else."

“Wanna go outside!" he repeated, his brow furrowing as if he wasn’t sure why he was being denied a request. 

“Yeah, me too!" Raditz chimed in. 

“Fuck!" Apparently Turles agreed. 

Vegeta crossed his arms and lifted his nose in the air again.  “I do, too.  It smells like dust in here and makes me sneeze."

Tarble said nothing as his face was still buried in the slope of Nappa’s neck.  Broly, probably not wanting to agree with Kakarrot, also joined in the silence. 

“No,” Nappa replied firmly.  “If one of you dies of heat exhaustion, your dad’s gonna kill me."

“He will not!" Vegeta shot back. 

“I wasn’t talkin’ about your dad, Veggie."

He could just imagine what Bardock would do to him.  He was definitely someone he didn’t want to cross, especially when it came to his kids. 

“Okay, how about you guys play upstairs or something while I make lunch?" he said with a sigh. 

That seemed to please them and, en masse, they ran for the steps.  Broly lingered behind until, thankfully, Turles grabbed the hand not wedged in his mouth and dragged him upstairs. 

With Tarble still clinging to him and whimpering about his daddy, Nappa went into the kitchen, trying to decide what to feed everyone that would make them happy.  Not that he really cared, of course.  It was just easier to accommodate them than deal with the whining of terrifying children.  This time he knew from experience that holding Tarble was not conducive to preparing food.  Through sheer will and determination, he managed to pry the toddler off of him and sat him on the kitchen floor. 

“Stay,” he commanded, pointing a finger at him. 

Nappa went to the fridge and fished out some ingredients to make sandwiches.  He didn’t know if the kids liked salami and pepper jack cheese on pumpernickel bread but, Goddamnit, they were going to eat it.  He managed to properly construct seven sandwiches while listening for any telltale signs of child pain from upstairs.  He set them each on plates and placed them on the table before grabbing cushions for the kids to sit on. 

“Come down and eat!" he called to them. 

The thunderous sound of feet on the steps was his answer and all five of the kids raced into the kitchen—Broly included. 

“Food!" Kakarrot said excitedly, his eyes lighting up. 

“Yeah, don’t pee yourself kid,” Nappa instructed him.  “Calm down."

Tarble looked over at Nappa and blinked. 

“I…pee."

“That’s real nice to know,” Turles said back, biting into his sandwich.  “Bet it helps when your bladder’s full’n’all."

Vegeta balled up a napkin and threw it at him.  “Don’t be mean to Tarble!"

Turles clenched his fists and slammed both of them down on the table. 

“Don’t throw things at me you fuckin’ kindergartener!"

“Don’t be mean to ‘Geta!  He’s my bestest friend!"

“I AM NOT!"

“Grr, don’t yell at my brother!"

“I will when he stops saying I’m his bestest friend!"

“BUT YOU ARE!"

“KAKARROT!!"

Before Nappa could try and figure out how  _ this _ meal went to hell so quickly, everyone fell silent.  Kakarrot sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose.  Broly let out a low growl that sounded not unlike a cat’s and put both of his hands over  _ his _ nose. 

“What’s that smell?" Vegeta demanded as if the very presence of the odor was offending him in some way. 

In unison, the six seated at the table turned to see Tarble standing in the middle of the kitchen with tears in his eyes and a dark stain spreading through the seat of his Oshkosh’s. 

“ _ Smell _ !" Broly whined, still pinching his nostrils shut. 

Nappa picked Tarble up gingerly, held him at arm’s length and started walking out of the kitchen, still holding him out as if the toddler was crawling with some disease. 

“’Pank him!" Broly continued, voice clogging from where he was pinching it.  “‘Mells bad!"

“You can’t spank kids for stinkin’,” Raditz said back, matter-of-factly.

The younger boy seemed to consider these words before replying with, “Put ‘im inna hole!  ‘Inna dirt!"

Vegeta bared his teeth.  “Not my brother!"

Nappa looked over his shoulder and glared. 

“All of you shut yer yaps while I deal with this, okay?"

Miraculously, they all did. 

\--

Nappa came back after depositing Tarble in the downstairs bathroom to take care of himself and saw that the boys had finished eating. 

“Where’s Tarble?" Vegeta demanded. 

It occurred to Nappa that the five-year-old never actually asked for anything.  It was always a demand. 

“Well, I sent him in there to clean himself up." Nappa jerked a thumb towards the bathroom. 

At that, Vegeta scrunched him his face as if in confusion.  “You let Tarble go to the potty by himself?"

He nodded, wondering where he was going with this. 

“With poopy pants?"

“Uh, yeah?"

He jumped down off of his chair and started stomping out of the kitchen. 

“You are so  _ stupid _ , Nappa!"

“Mmmh,” Broly hummed, apparently slighted at Vegeta’s use of the word ‘stupid. ’

A mounting feeling of dread began to gather in Nappa’s chest, clutching his heart in a vice. 

“What do you mean?  He’s old enough to wipe his own ass, right?"

Kakarrot slid off of his chair and started after Vegeta.  Nappa reached out and grabbed the kid by the back of his shirt. 

“Hey, go check in the bathroom on Tarble, okay?"

“Okay!" Of course the reply was chipper. 

Kakarrot scurried to the door and opened it a crack, peeking his head in.  Immediately, he retracted it. 

“EWWWW!" he squealed. 

“What?" Nappa rushed forward.  “Tell me he’s clean—or wiping.  Or whatever."

Kakarrot shook his head.  “I can’t.  I’m not allowed to tell lies!"

\--

Tarble, as it turned out, had tried very hard to do what his nanny (and, to a lesser extent, his father) had showed him to do.  He was now dirtier for his effort and the entire downstairs bathroom was trashed.  Nappa managed to clean it up, stuffing everything—including his clothes—into a giant garbage bag while the other kids stood by, glaring at the toddler judgmentally with their fingers clamped over their noses.  Tarble, meanwhile, was sobbing, burying his little face in his hands as if he was simply too ashamed to look at anyone. 

Reluctantly, he grabbed the diaper bag and Tarble and dashed upstairs to give him a bath.  Even more reluctantly, he put Turles and Raditz in charge while he was gone. 

He cleaned Tarble up as fast as he could, rubbed him dry with a towel and pulled fresh clothes out of his bag. 

“Don’t wanna be in trouble,” he whimpered, looking up at Nappa with big, scared eyes. 

“Uh…you won’t be, kid.  Promise."

When they came downstairs, he found what appeared to be bedlam.  Someone—he suspected Turles—had gotten it in his head that they needed a fort.  One had been hastily constructed out of couch cushions and old pillows they had pulled from the linen closet in the hall.  Turles and Raditz were crawling on the floor and each boy had a meticulously folded paper hat on his head.  In the actual fort itself, Vegeta and Kakarrot poked their heads up before ducking them back down.  Kakarrot wore a paper hat identical to Turles and Raditz’s but Vegeta had apparently made himself a crown.  Broly had been given a hat but he was more preoccupied with hiding under blankets next to the couch. 

“What is going on here?" Nappa asked, staring at the bizarre tableau in front of him. 

“We’re pirates!" Turles said proudly. 

“Argh!" Raditz exclaimed. 

Kakarrot popped his head up over the couch cushion fort and beamed. 

“We’re Fort…um…something in the Car-ib-ee-an.  I’m a general!  And Geta’s a prince!"

Of course he was.  Raditz pointed to Broly who was peering his face out from under the ratty old afghan. 

“He’s a shark."

Again, of course he was. 

“So, uh, I’m back.  So why don’t you guys—”

Nappa’s words were caught in his throat when the sound of jingling bells was heard outside.  It took him a moment to realize that it was tinny music playing a repetitive, awful song that was just audible through the door.  Kakarrot, of course, recognized the music first. 

“ICE CREAM MAN!  ICE CREAM MAN!"

Before Nappa could stop them, they all raced towards the door.  Paper hats were flung off in the rush and trampled underfoot.  He lifted Tarble above the stampede of children so the toddler could avoid being trampled.  As they were adamant about getting ice cream, Nappa had no choice but to follow them out the door. 

Luckily, the truck was already stopped for a little girl and her mother.  The boys were all shouting out their orders to the ice cream man at once. 

“One at a time,” the old man pleaded.  “One at a time!"

The little girl who had a strawberry shortcake bar in her mouth looked over at them.  When her eyes landed on Vegeta, they lit up. 

“Hey!" she said happily.  “Mommy, look!  It’s my boyfriend!"

Vegeta had been reaching up to get his chocolate éclair bar from the ice cream man and turned to her, eyes wide. 

“I am not!" he blurted, his eyes darting around to the other boys. 

The little girl pouted and glared at him.  “Are so!  You  _ said _ !"

Raditz snickered behind his Dreamsicle.  “Vegeta’s gotta girlfriend!  Vegeta’s gotta girlfriend!"

The five-year-old’s face turned bright red (Nappa couldn’t tell if it was in embarrassment or anger) as the little girl reached out to take his hand in hers. 

“He’s my boyfriend ‘cos I said I’ll push him on the swings ‘cos his feets don’t touch and that I’ll share my desserts if he holds my hand and pushes people outta the way of the drinking fountain so I can get cuts!" she said proudly. 

Nappa couldn’t help but smirk.  This was actually pretty funny. 

“And what’s your girlfriend’s name, Veggie?" he asked. 

“I’m Bulma!" she responded for him, grinning broadly. 

Kakarrot reached up to take his push-pop from the vendor and widened his eyes. 

“I want one too, now, if Geta gots one!"

Raditz shook his head.  “No way, Kakarrot.  If a girl starts likin’ you then you gotta run ‘cos they give you cooties."

Turles nodded like he, as the oldest, had all of his deep knowledge.  “Fuckin’ cooties."

Bulma stamped her foot.  “We do not!"

Her mother, meanwhile, seemed entirely oblivious to the conversation occurring.  Nappa watched the scene with bemusement as he handed over the money for the boys’ ice cream. 

From seemingly nowhere, just as he was about to grab the kids and escape the heat, a blur streaked over to the ice cream truck and wrapped his arms around Vegeta’s waist.  The blur turned out to be a small child who was perhaps three and, for some reason, running around unaccompanied.  His hair was inexplicably light purple and he wore dark blue overalls.  A toy sword was strapped to his back. 

“Daddy!" he exclaimed.  “Can I has moneys to buy ice ceam, daddy?"

To Nappa’s utter surprise, the five-year-old reached into his pocket and produced a crumpled dollar bill.  Standing on his tiptoes, he pushed it towards the ice cream vendor. 

“Another push-pop,” he demanded in that harsh way of his that no small child should possess. 

The ice cream man handed the pop to him and Vegeta carefully peeled off the top and hit the stick a couple of times against the truck to push the ice cream out before handing it to the kid.  He happily took it in both hands and began slurping the orange sherbet. 

“Fankoo, daddy!"

Nappa sighed.  “I know I’m going to regret asking you this—but why did that kid call you daddy?"

“Trunks goes to Tarble’s nursery school,” he replied.  “And he doesn’t got parents so I ‘dopted him."

Bulma dropped her strawberry shortcake bar on the ground and pulled Vegeta into a tight hug. 

“Ohmigod!" she squealed.  “I love you, Vegeta!  I can’t wait until we’re married and we have babies for reals!"

Raditz wrinkled his nose and took his Dreamsicle out of his mouth. 

“Ew,” he remarked. 

Vegeta pushed her off.  “Ew—don’t wanna think about bein’ married."

“Do I gots a daddy and a mommy now?" Trunks asked, shifting his gaze between them as he licked his push-pop. 

Bulma grinned and put her hand on top of his lavender head.  “Uh-huh!"

Having enough of the, admittedly, rather amusing scene, Nappa herded the boys back to the house.  It was unbearably hot out and, ice cream or no, he didn’t want to risk any of them (well, Raditz or Kakarrot anyway) collapsing from the heat.  As they entered the air-conditioned house, he did a quick headcount of six.  It wasn’t until he was halfway back into the destroyed living room did he realize that there couldn’t possibly be six boys behind him since Tarble was still clinging to him like a remora meaning that there should only be  _ five _ others. 

Nappa turned back around and noticed that, unlike the other boys, the newcomer’s hair wasn’t black.  It was purple.

“Damnit, Vegeta,” he exclaimed, forgetting that he shouldn’t be swearing around them.  “You can’t bring your ‘son’ in here.  I ain’t gonna be responsible for him."

The little kid stomped up to him and tilted his face up, clearly challenging him.  “Yeah, well, Trunks can’t go runnin’ around by himself.  He’s a baby."

Nappa sighed.  There was no arguing with his kid.  He was used to getting what he wanted because his family was obscenely rich. 

“Fine but  _ you _ watch ‘im."

“Fine!" He turned to the little boy and offered his hand.  “Come on, Trunks.  You can come in the fort with us."

It occurred to him that he had just argued and lost with a five-year-old and idly wondered what his life had become. 

\--

The kids played in the fort while Nappa sat in the kitchen, trying to get Tarble off him and take a nap or whatever three-year-olds did.  He heard soft footfalls and looked up to see that Kakarrot had entered the room and was looking up at him wide-eyed. 

“What do you want?" he asked tiredly. 

“Geta kicked me outta the fort ‘cos Trunks has to nap and I’m hungry.  Can I have snacks?"

Nappa sighed and rose from the table.  He pulled several bags of chips and cheese doodles out of the pantry and handed them to him. 

“Here,” he said gruffly.  “Have a party."

He figured there were enough snacks in there to keep him—and hopefully the other kids—busy while he got some time to himself.  Well, himself and Tarble but that kid was so quiet that he was basically like himself. 

Turles and Raditz were still playing pirates and apparently “attacking a shark,” which made Broly let out a screech in anger.  Which made Vegeta angrily shush them saying that Trunks was trying to sleep and that he had a sword and wasn’t afraid to use it.  The only other sounds were the sound of chewing, which made Nappa hope that the kids were now occupying themselves with what he had given to Kakarrot. 

He got a good twenty minutes to himself before Raditz marched into the room.  “Hey, I’m hungry."

“I gave Kakarrot snacks to give you guys.  How are you hungry again?"

He narrowed his eyes in confusion.  “Kakarrot didn’t give us nothing."

“But I…” It slowly dawned on him what happened. 

Rising quickly from the table, Nappa raced to the other room, stirring Tarble who let out a little yelp and buried his face in his neck again. 

He found Kakarrot sitting on the floor in the hallway with empty bags around him.  His face was smeared with orange powder and his hands were over his stomach 

“I don’t feel good,” he whimpered. 

Raditz, who had followed him, squatted next to his brother.  “Dad tol’ you not to eat so much all the time or you’ll get a tummyache.  And Nappa said that was for everyone so I’m gonna tell dad you was greedy.  And you’re gonna hafta sit on your  _ bed _ ."

His eyes went wide.  “D-don’t…”

Nappa realized that “letting my kid stuff himself until he was about to pop” probably qualified under things that would make Bardock kill him. 

“Uh…what if we don’t tell your dad, huh?  He’s obviously scared of getting in trouble.  Right, Kakarrot?"

He nodded and then winced and held his stomach again. 

“Uh…I bet you’re tired after all that eating, right?  Why don’t you guy lie down in the fort and take a nap with Trunks?"

Nappa was pretty proud of himself.  He was totally getting this “talking to kids” thing down.  He helped Kakarrot get to his feet and the kid promptly leaned over and threw cheese doodles and Doritos up all over him.  He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked up at Nappa with big eyes. 

“Oops."

\--

It finally came that glorious time in the evening where their fathers were arriving to pick them up.  His boss came first. 

“Daddy!" Immediately Tarble let go of his death grip on Nappa to latch onto his father.  The little tease.

He was grateful that the man didn’t notice that Tarble was wearing different clothes from that morning.  Vegeta came out, holding Trunks’s hand.  Their father looked at the newest addition and sighed.

“I told you before, he has his own family."

“Does not!  He’s comin’ home with us right now, father."

It made him feel marginally better that his boss also lost an argument with a five-year-old and the three of them left.  Paragus showed up next and took Broly away without much fuss.  Actually, since he spent most of the day pretending to be a shark, Nappa decided that he was his favorite outside of Tarble.  Finally, Bardock showed up. 

“Dad!  Daaaad!" Raditz cried.  “I got somethin’ t’ say!"

Turles shushed him and whispered, “No one likes tattle-talers, Raditz.  Don’t say nothin’."

Nappa decided he liked Turles a lot better now.  Reluctantly, Kakarrot walked over to them.  His face had been cleaned of cheese powder and vomit but still looked pale and queasy from how sick he had made himself.  Nappa bit the inside of his lip but Bardock simply picked him up.  He had a feeling that this sort of thing was a common occurrence at their house.

When they left, he started putting his living room back together and paused.  There was a strange feeling in his chest.  Did he…did he  _ miss _ those little monsters?  Nappa curled his lip.  Hell no.  Perish the thought.

**Author's Note:**

> vertigoats.tumblr.com


End file.
